Wait wait wait!!! Don't run away - this is most definitely NOT one of my nerdy posts. Yes, it mentions organic chemistry, but I don't understand it enough to have any deep allegorical insights into the human condition after studying it. So you're safe. In fact, my lack of comprehension of this subject is what I want to talk about today.
You see final exam weeks are about to start for university students everywhere, and, for me, this point in the semester is almost invariably marked by 1) hours of endless studying, 2) hours of guiltily procrastinating, and 3) hours of calculating what my GPA will be 'If I get ____ on the final'. Forgive me if I'm assuming too much here, but I think that's pretty much the way it goes for everyone. But maybe this next piece isn't the way everyone operates; maybe it's just me, although I doubt it.
Inevitably, there are semesters that are just plain difficult. You have a lot of external commitments, or you've worked hard for several years without a break and your mind is tired, or you're taking a couple really tough courses; whatever the reason, you get to final exam week, start calculating your potential GPA, and realize that there isn't much chance of doing well enough on the final to bump up or even maintain your grade point average. So what do you do?
I'll be honest, I'm in that place this semester. Organic Chemistry has been a drain on my will-power over the past few weeks, and I'm starting to hit the wall. What's interesting, though, is that it's not really the course material itself that I'm frustrated with right now. It's me. It's how I'm doing in the course. If it wasn't about the grade, the content would be a puzzle; something to aspire to and eventually conquer. I think I would actually enjoy it. Even as I've been studying over the past few days, I've noticed this trend: I enjoy the process of learning the material until I think about the looming final exam.
And I know - it IS about the grade. They have to grade us, and I don't resent that. I resent the fact that I've turned the grade into a marker of my personal identity. You see, the other thing that I have running through my mind these days is an admissions process. I'm waiting to hear back from a medical school about whether or not 'I'm in', and the waiting is a mental minefield! The strangest situations will remind me of things that I said or wrote or did at my interview, and either reaffirm or cause me to second-guess myself. Lately, organic chemistry has joined the mental party. I don't know why or when this happened, but I think I've internally correlated my medical school admissions process and this course. I find myself thinking, "if I can't figure out the complexities of O. Chem, maybe I'm not studious enough to make it through med school".
It sounds so foolish when it's typed up and staring me in the face. And it is foolish. When did my grades become a direct reflection of who I am or what God can accomplish in my life? After all, isn't He the one who planted this dream in me in the first place?
So this is what I've decided to do: I'm going to let God define me based on His word, instead of defining myself based on my own successes and failures. I'm going to dream freely about the future without limiting it by choosing only to see the doors that I can open and walk through in my own strength. I'm going to work my butt off to do as well as I can in organic chemistry this semester. And I'm going to let God fill in the difference between His dream and my reality.
You see final exam weeks are about to start for university students everywhere, and, for me, this point in the semester is almost invariably marked by 1) hours of endless studying, 2) hours of guiltily procrastinating, and 3) hours of calculating what my GPA will be 'If I get ____ on the final'. Forgive me if I'm assuming too much here, but I think that's pretty much the way it goes for everyone. But maybe this next piece isn't the way everyone operates; maybe it's just me, although I doubt it.
Inevitably, there are semesters that are just plain difficult. You have a lot of external commitments, or you've worked hard for several years without a break and your mind is tired, or you're taking a couple really tough courses; whatever the reason, you get to final exam week, start calculating your potential GPA, and realize that there isn't much chance of doing well enough on the final to bump up or even maintain your grade point average. So what do you do?
I'll be honest, I'm in that place this semester. Organic Chemistry has been a drain on my will-power over the past few weeks, and I'm starting to hit the wall. What's interesting, though, is that it's not really the course material itself that I'm frustrated with right now. It's me. It's how I'm doing in the course. If it wasn't about the grade, the content would be a puzzle; something to aspire to and eventually conquer. I think I would actually enjoy it. Even as I've been studying over the past few days, I've noticed this trend: I enjoy the process of learning the material until I think about the looming final exam.
And I know - it IS about the grade. They have to grade us, and I don't resent that. I resent the fact that I've turned the grade into a marker of my personal identity. You see, the other thing that I have running through my mind these days is an admissions process. I'm waiting to hear back from a medical school about whether or not 'I'm in', and the waiting is a mental minefield! The strangest situations will remind me of things that I said or wrote or did at my interview, and either reaffirm or cause me to second-guess myself. Lately, organic chemistry has joined the mental party. I don't know why or when this happened, but I think I've internally correlated my medical school admissions process and this course. I find myself thinking, "if I can't figure out the complexities of O. Chem, maybe I'm not studious enough to make it through med school".
It sounds so foolish when it's typed up and staring me in the face. And it is foolish. When did my grades become a direct reflection of who I am or what God can accomplish in my life? After all, isn't He the one who planted this dream in me in the first place?
So this is what I've decided to do: I'm going to let God define me based on His word, instead of defining myself based on my own successes and failures. I'm going to dream freely about the future without limiting it by choosing only to see the doors that I can open and walk through in my own strength. I'm going to work my butt off to do as well as I can in organic chemistry this semester. And I'm going to let God fill in the difference between His dream and my reality.
Great perspective! Great God!
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