Dear Friend,
Today I woke up at work, not for the first time - more than a little groggy, and aware that I still need to perfect my overnight bag for days when my shift keeps me there until morning. On such days, I almost never put on make-up. It's not really a big deal, but sometimes it feels like it actually is. As a resident, there's a lot of opportunity to appraise yourself, and after a night on the wards with less than optimal sleep and plenty of decisions that had to be made and potentially some tough situations that had to be navigated, or anxious and sometimes irate parents that had to be met with...sometimes after those nights, my ability to appraise the significance of a few facial blemishes is...shall I say skewed?
Last night really wasn't too bad at all actually. I slept five hours, which is almost unheard of, so it was just my usual personal insecurities that I had to tackle as I looked in the mirror, grateful to have remembered my toothbrush but irked at the lack of coverage I had for my zits. I guess the extra sleep allowed me more perspective than a usual wake-up-at-work morning though, because I found myself thinking:
"Maybe it would be good to air my zits in public. You know, it would give them a chance to heal without getting all clogged up with powders and creams, and after all I'm a resident (I still have a hard time saying doctor, even in my own head)! I know what zits are and it's not a hygiene issue or something that should be shameful - it's the nature of my skin. I'm doing the best I can to care for it, and sometimes I still have breakouts! I don't need to be ashamed."
Then later, when I got home from work, I looked in the mirror and had another typical "oh my gosh, I can't believe I was in public looking like this!" moment. Such is my fragile psyche, but I'm working on it.
The point is, for a moment there, I think I was on to something. Would it really be so bad to just let my face be my face in public? Maybe calling zits 'blemishes' is a bit of a misnomer, you know? They're just zits. They happen sometimes. They don't need to define me.
And maybe my other quirks and idiosyncrasies and the things that crop up in my personality when I'm overtired and underexposed to fresh air aren't things to be ashamed of either. Maybe like my zits, there are times when it's ok to air those things in public....
As I'm thinking more about it, the analogy starts to fall apart not too far down the line, but it's a thought that brought me to this reflection today: It's ok to be me. It's ok that I don't feel like I've arrived. It's even ok that I don't feel like I've grown into my role in life yet. I mean - heck - I still get acne from time to time, I'm not supposed to have my life all figured out yet! But zits or not, personality quirks or not, imposter syndrome or not, I'm not meant to hide my true self from the world I live in.
The things that I most love about my life I got by being me and trusting that, if it were the right fit, that would be enough. My medical school, and then my residency program both picked me after interviews which I didn't necessarily feel went well...rather I walked out of them and felt that I had truly represented myself. More importantly, my husband stuck around despite the fact that I went into the beginning of our relationship with the goal of first and foremost being true to myself. I intentionally put on no airs with him because I didn't want to just 'catch' some guy with a personality that wasn't really me or by feigning interest in things that I didn't really enjoy. If he was going to like me, it was going to for me - and he did! And he kept sticking around!
These things that I value are in my life because I was honest with myself and others about who I am. It's a lie of my own creation to think that I need to hide myself or be ashamed of the things that are unique about me. Admittedly, the zit analogy maybe breaks down on some level, but hey it got me thinking today so I'm going to keep it as my motto: it's time to be ok with airing my zits in public.
Today I woke up at work, not for the first time - more than a little groggy, and aware that I still need to perfect my overnight bag for days when my shift keeps me there until morning. On such days, I almost never put on make-up. It's not really a big deal, but sometimes it feels like it actually is. As a resident, there's a lot of opportunity to appraise yourself, and after a night on the wards with less than optimal sleep and plenty of decisions that had to be made and potentially some tough situations that had to be navigated, or anxious and sometimes irate parents that had to be met with...sometimes after those nights, my ability to appraise the significance of a few facial blemishes is...shall I say skewed?
Last night really wasn't too bad at all actually. I slept five hours, which is almost unheard of, so it was just my usual personal insecurities that I had to tackle as I looked in the mirror, grateful to have remembered my toothbrush but irked at the lack of coverage I had for my zits. I guess the extra sleep allowed me more perspective than a usual wake-up-at-work morning though, because I found myself thinking:
"Maybe it would be good to air my zits in public. You know, it would give them a chance to heal without getting all clogged up with powders and creams, and after all I'm a resident (I still have a hard time saying doctor, even in my own head)! I know what zits are and it's not a hygiene issue or something that should be shameful - it's the nature of my skin. I'm doing the best I can to care for it, and sometimes I still have breakouts! I don't need to be ashamed."
Then later, when I got home from work, I looked in the mirror and had another typical "oh my gosh, I can't believe I was in public looking like this!" moment. Such is my fragile psyche, but I'm working on it.
The point is, for a moment there, I think I was on to something. Would it really be so bad to just let my face be my face in public? Maybe calling zits 'blemishes' is a bit of a misnomer, you know? They're just zits. They happen sometimes. They don't need to define me.
And maybe my other quirks and idiosyncrasies and the things that crop up in my personality when I'm overtired and underexposed to fresh air aren't things to be ashamed of either. Maybe like my zits, there are times when it's ok to air those things in public....
As I'm thinking more about it, the analogy starts to fall apart not too far down the line, but it's a thought that brought me to this reflection today: It's ok to be me. It's ok that I don't feel like I've arrived. It's even ok that I don't feel like I've grown into my role in life yet. I mean - heck - I still get acne from time to time, I'm not supposed to have my life all figured out yet! But zits or not, personality quirks or not, imposter syndrome or not, I'm not meant to hide my true self from the world I live in.
The things that I most love about my life I got by being me and trusting that, if it were the right fit, that would be enough. My medical school, and then my residency program both picked me after interviews which I didn't necessarily feel went well...rather I walked out of them and felt that I had truly represented myself. More importantly, my husband stuck around despite the fact that I went into the beginning of our relationship with the goal of first and foremost being true to myself. I intentionally put on no airs with him because I didn't want to just 'catch' some guy with a personality that wasn't really me or by feigning interest in things that I didn't really enjoy. If he was going to like me, it was going to for me - and he did! And he kept sticking around!
These things that I value are in my life because I was honest with myself and others about who I am. It's a lie of my own creation to think that I need to hide myself or be ashamed of the things that are unique about me. Admittedly, the zit analogy maybe breaks down on some level, but hey it got me thinking today so I'm going to keep it as my motto: it's time to be ok with airing my zits in public.
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